We have become so disconnected from who we are…

Society has long convinced us AFABS of our roles & expectations, which for many of us have created a disconnect from who we actually are.

How many times have you been told:

🤬 you’re being too loud 🤔

🤬 You’ll never find a partner acting like that.

🤬 You’ll never make friends speaking like that.

🤬 You’ll never be respected dressing like that.

From the moment we are born we are told how to walk, talk, act, think, dress & more…

But we’ve been taught wrong 🙅‍♂️

We can work through living a life for ourselves rather than the one society have told us we need to.

Gender as we know it today is a social construct, deriving from colonization.

Indigenous & Aboriginal cultures throughout history have long recognized more than the Male & Female gender binaries we have been forced into.

When one fights those societal norms, when one questions gender expectations, roles, and constructs that is when we can begin to unmask our power 💪

In a sense, gender nonconformity, questioning the binary & the constructs of gender is a from of anarchy 🔥

Even if one still feels an alignment to the binary genders, when one recognizes the identities that exists outside of their own, outside of what we have been taught, when they solidify their own identity in their gender identity, when they challenge the expectations & roles placed upon them, that is when we begin to unlock our power.

Gender identity and the tone of someone’s voice

We often form ideas or beliefs around who someone is, around their gender identity or their sexuality based on the pitch & tone of their voice 🗣

Because society has taught us that certain tones, certain pitches are more “feminine.”

Society has taught us that higher tones equals woman or often also flamboyancy, which is usually associated with gay men.

Society has taught us that higher pitched voices aren’t ones to be respected, that those who have them are less valuable.

We also interestingly enough, see higher pitched voices as more approachable, as evident by the way our voices change when we are putting on our “customer service” voice vs our regular voice.

We associate deeper voices with men, with power, with intelligence.

Which for all people, regardless of how they identify has created some deep seeded dysphoria surrounding our voices.

So tired of being trained to be approachable

Society has spent generations telling people how to be more approachable, how to be more f*ckable, how to be more likable, how to be more of this or more of that.

These ideals are always rooted in neurotypicality, in gender biases, in colonizer mentalities. It is always rooted in reproductivity & partnerships.

When we start to challenge those expectations,
Those ideals,
Those roles,
All that BS,
We often struggle,
Deeply…

We find ourselves slipping back into the patterns to make ourselves more palpable, to make those around us more comfortable.

We adjust our voices,
Control our tones,
Focus on the correct eye contact,
We do all these little habits & behaviors that have been consciously or subconsciously drilled into us.

Unpacking those expectations, roles, rules, & constructs is how we unlock our power

When we begin to unpack how the expectations of society, to unpack the the messaging about how we must look, think, speak, & more we often struggle deeply with dysphoria.

The key & power lies in 

RELASING what society, family, friends and what everyone has told us to be…

What they have tried to make us…

& then

connect with who we are.

We must also take time to honor ourselves where we are, to honor the emotions that arise when we disconnect from who we became to appease others & reconnect with who we truly are.

When we start to unmask our gender, to undue the societal programming, to unlock our true selves we often slip back into the old habits, into the old conditioning.

We may struggle with speaking when we want to, rather than we were taught to.

We may struggle with dressing how we wish rather than what we have been taught is the proper way.

We may struggle with our voice, specifically in our pitches & tones. 

It takes time to strip away years of conditioning, to remove the pieces which don’t belong to you, to break the habits formed for the comforts of others.

Be patient with yourself on this journey & remember like most things in life it is a journey not a destination

Affirmations to overcome the negative voices of societal expectations

Society will work incredibly hard to convince you of who you should be so it is important to discover who you actually are outside of all that extra noise.

Remember to give yourself permission to pause.

To do what makes you happy without having to justify it.

You & your emotions are valid.

Use these affirmations when you find yourself struggling, when you are questioning your worth, when you are made to feel like you’re too much or too little.

So proud of you!

Alyssa Lilly

Disclaimer

PODCAST and BLOG disclaimer: While I make every effort to broadcast correct information, I am still learning.  I will double check all my facts but realize that research and methods are a constantly changing science and art.  One coach or professional may have a different way of doing things from another.  I am simply presenting my views that will be as evidence based as possible. I welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. By listening to this podcast or reading this blog, you agree not to use this podcast or blog as medical advice to treat any medical condition in either yourself or others. Consult your own physician for any medical issues that you may be having. This entire disclaimer also applies to any guests or contributors to the podcast or blog.  Under no circumstances shall Alyssa Durham, Beautiful and Courageous LLC, any guests or contributors to the podcast or blog, or any employees, associates, or affiliates of Beautiful and Courageous LLC be responsible for damages arising from use of the podcast or blog.

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